


He'd Already Taken His

by cayezens



Category: Hyun Ryu - Fandom, Mystic Messenger, Yoosung Kim - Fandom, Zensung - Fandom
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love, suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:46:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27302881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cayezens/pseuds/cayezens
Summary: In which Zen deals with his unrequited love for Yoosung.
Relationships: Kim Yoosung/Zen | Ryu Hyun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	He'd Already Taken His

“Was loving him a way to distract myself from my problems, knowing I could never muster the courage to ever face them without fear? A question I long to know the answer to, but never spent time to find them. A person like me, stuck in a fantasy that I wish I could escape, but at the same time, I wouldn’t. A guy like him, so cheerful and forever filled with glee, emotionally unavailable. He was the type of guy that you hoped to move on from because he was kind enough to show his disinterest in you, but you were too naïve to realize. Sometimes, I wonder to myself, am I in love with him? Or am I in love with the idea of falling in love?” 

He wrote in his blog. Hyun Ryu sighed at the sight of himself, writing all these letters on a secret blog that barely even had followers. _What am I doing?_ He thought. _Writing all this cheesy shit? Especially for a broke college student.. Who’s also a fellow member of RFA? I might’ve actually gone insane this time, God.._

Planning to distract himself, he logged in the RFA chatroom, hoping he’d see Seven talking about some weird shit that happened during his working hours again, but alas, what awaited him was a:

“ZEN LOGGED IN!” from the broke college student in question. He face-palmed, just my luck, he mumbles in between breaths. His heart started racing, looking at the message Yoosung sent. _Was he waiting for me?_ He thought. _No, he couldn’t have._

He started typing his hi’s and hello’s to his friend. His mind boggled him with thoughts, and he hated it. Zen wished that he could talk to him without his face reddening or stuttered voice. He was so confident, that you could even call him a narcissist for a moment, but yet he was, looking a fucking mess from a message. He was scared; what if he acted around him at the party? What if it was obvious that Zen was utterly and completely in love with him?

“Hey Yoosung lololol wanna see my selfie lol” he sent.

Not even the slightest chance will Hyun ever let him know that. And so he put up a defense mechanism; narcissism. No one will like a guy like him, so might as well pretend to like himself. That’s Zen’s thoughts everyday. He was _scared_ , absolutely terrified, that no one would like him. That everyone thinks he’s not worth it, or if he’s even good enough for anybody. _Somebody._

Oh, how he wished. 

“Zen ive seen ur face like 49343943 times T__T im getting tired of it lololol”

He was taken aback, he knew that Yoosung’ll give him a response like that, as usual, and yet with every single word, he felt his heart crack. _Tired? Was he tired of me? Am I being too confident?_ He overthinks, and overthinks, and overthinks. It hurts, he says. He’ll never be good enough. But will he show that?

“lol idc ill never get tired of me wink” Photo sent. 

Never.  


Zen would rather get stabbed with a thousand knives than ever admit that something hurts him. That’s how he always was. To be tough, they expected from him. He was so narcissistic that insults wouldn’t even faze the guy, they said. And if he was being honest? He wished.  


“sexy ig” Yoosung replied.  


_Badum. Sexy? I’m sexy to him? Wait, is he joking? Oh my god.. Really? Why am I so happy about this, huh? It’s okay, I always get happy when I get complimented. Yeah, yeah, you got this._

“haha lol thanks I know”  


**Yoosung left the chatroom.**

_I am so annoying. I must’ve annoyed him. Fuck. Maybe he’s playing LOLOL? Maybe, but what if I was annoying?_ Zen has had enough of his own thoughts and decided to call his bestfriend, Jaehee.

“Jaehee, so like, did you see the chatroom?”  


“No, I did not, Zen. I was in a meeting with Mr. Han-”  


“I think he got annoyed by what I said, I mean, I saw it coming, really, I did. Am I too annoying? Should I tone it down? But what if he realizes I like him, what then? Agh, this is so hard, I wish I knew what his ideal type in a boyfriend was, so maybe I could act like that. You get me?”  


“Zen, tell me. Why are you so eager to please this guy? And why do you feel the need to change everything about yourself? You’re just fine.”  


“Because.. I like him. A-And, because.. I know that as myself, he will never like me. If I just knew what his ideal type was and learned to act like it, maybe I could have a chance.”  


“..”  


“Maybe, just maybe, you know.. I could finally be enough for him.”  


“Zen, this.. this whole thing is so unhealthy for you, right now. I don’t think it’s okay to pursue Yoosung when you’re messed up and it’s also bad for your career, you know?”  


“But he makes me happy, Jaehee.”  


“He makes you want to change everything about yourself. And I don’t know about your definition of happy, Zen, but that doesn’t sound very happy to me.”  


He knows. He knows it all, and he might even want to admit it, but how can he? How can he admit that when he already established the perfect, happy image of himself? His hard work to pretend will be gone to waste if he did.  


“Zen? Have I gone too far? I’m sorry.”  


He clears his throat, “No it’s okay. What should I do, then?”  


“C-Confess, for starters?”  


He hangs up. Hyun Ryu was ready for anything, really, but holy fuck, confess? Never in his life would he confess to someone (usually because they confess first) and now his bestfriend, bestie if you may, said.. He should confess? He laid down on his bed, contemplating _Even if I confess, I’ll just get rejected. He doesn’t like me at all. Nope. But what if he does? Should I even take that kind of risk?_  


**Call from Yoosung.  
**

Hyun Ryu has never screamed so loud in his many years of living, and he does _theatre_. He quickly jumped out of bed and accepted the call. “H-Hello?”  


“Zen? Hi. You sound weird, kinda. You doing okay?”  


Oh my god, he cares about me. Wait, calm down, he’s probably just being nice, as usual. Don’t assume. “Yeah, I’m okay, just did vocal practice so maybe that’s why.”  


“Mmm, okay, take care of yourself, okay? You still need to find a girlfriend.” Yoosung sighs. “Why did I say that? Now I want a girlfriend. Anyway, I thought you must’ve panicked when I left the chatroom so suddenly so I called. Don’t worry, okay? And take care. I’ll get going.” The call ended.  


“Yoosung.. you dumbass.. I never wanted a girlfriend.” His face turning into a tomato, he continues. “All I ever wanted was you, anyway.” Zen proceeded to get up and wrote a letter. _Confessing, huh?_  


-  


At the party.  


Zen goes up early, holding a letter, he seemed excited. Barely eating any breakfast, he rode to the party location. With a silver suit on and his hairstyle, he looked perfect. Everyone stared at him from every direction. _Do I look good? I wonder if I do… Will Yoosung compliment me? Aish.._  


Arriving at his destination, he cleared his throat and put up a smile for the reporters and crowd. After all, this was still a charity party. He needed to look his best, even if he wasn’t. Perks of being a member of a charity organization, huh? Bullshit, he thought. The white haired prince glanced at the letter in his pocket, I hope it won’t be weird after this. He entered the venue. And his eyes looked for the blonde haired boy instantly, and as always, he found him.  


“I found you.” He poked Yoosung Kim. And the boy laughed. It felt like home, as usual, like the smell of breakfast and sunshine all at once. Hyun tried to hold his blushed cheeks, for he didn’t allow himself to.  


“You found me.” Yoosung smiled. “Have you met MC? She’s so beautiful.”  


“A compliment from the Yoosung? Are you in love with her or something?” _Please say no, please say no, please say no._ But he already knew the answer to that when Yoosung looked at her like no other. He looked like he would give up everything for her. He looked at her the way Zen wanted him to look at him. He looked at her with love.  


And in that instance, Zen realized Yoosung would never look at him like that. And it hurted. Like his world was caving in. Like his soul was being ripped out of him. But he smiled despite the scream of his heart. “Good for you, Yoosung.”  


He needed a distraction. Anything. _Anyone._ He needed to get out of there, he needed to cry. He needed someone and yet that someone was a person he wish he could hold. Zen was getting out of his fantasy. He didn’t want that. No. No. “Zen, are you okay?”  


_No. I’m not._ “Yeah, Yoosung, I just need to get some fresh air, please excuse me.”  


His motorcycle, he needed his motorcycle. Now. He quickly stepped on the brakes as fast as he can, his mind was clogged. He couldn’t think. At least not properly. He went faster, his vision blurred with tears. He did this to himself. It’s his fault. Faster, faster, faster. He needed the wind, and the wind gave him what he needed.  


He knew it, all along. But he hoped, oh, _so dearly_ hope, that Yoosung could love him. But he knows, “I’ve always known, I cannot love you into loving me.”  


Darkness was all he saw, then.

-  


Yoosung finally had the courage to open the letter Zen dropped before leaving the party after his funeral. It all pained him too much. What if he stopped him from leaving? Could he had saved him? He wipes his tears before opening the letter. 

__

__

__

Dear Yoosung,

__

__

__

_I heard it’s romantic if you confess to someone via letter, so I decided to go that route. Weird, isn’t it? I don’t really know what to say. You’ve always been so kind. At first, I didn’t know that I’d fall for you but, here we are. I wanted you to know, that, even if this is gonna ruin our friendship, that I’ve fallen for you. I, Hyun Ryu, am so fucking in love with you. Always have been. You always smelt like warmth and kindness, all in one person. I think it was the way you made me feel wanted, or loved, I guess. I was never one for poetry because, well, I didn’t exactly pass English when I was doing school. But you are love.  
_

_You’ve taught me what love was, and I’ve experienced it all because of you. I’ve always wanted to hold you in my arms. But I know with my state, right now, that’s impossible. But I’ll try, so I can be enough for you. I’m gonna try to be happy, to be enough, to stay alive. I’m not asking you to love me back. But thank you. For making me believe in myself. For making me experience love and pain all at once. For letting me love you, Yoosung.  
_

_Hyun Ryu will try his best to be deserving of your love. I love you._

__

_Always have been yours,_  
_Hyun.  
_

And maybe in another life, they could love each other. But not in this one. Yoosung cried. He cried for who knows how long. Never did he get to tell Zen he loved him. Yoosung Kim would give his last breath to Hyun Ryu, but he’s already taken his.

__

_Fin._

__

**Author's Note:**

> so pog


End file.
